Mother Yearnings

I was 17 years old. My mother and I were on a trip to the Oregon coast, a place we both loved. Generally rugged and wild and windy, it was a blue-sky day worthy of summer clothes.

Climbing onto a large, rough rock for a photo-worthy moment, I posed in my bohemian skirt and elasticized neck white blouse. I wore a scarf over my hair, tied under the back of my gypsy-shag haircut. Considering that under the scarf lurked a bad experience at the salon–a far too short cut on top and baby bangs I hadn’t wanted–I felt pretty.

I was posing the heck out of that skirt and scarf when my mother said, “I had a friend when I was your age who looked beautiful no matter what–she could have worn a burlap sack and been striking!”

She reminisced a bit longer about this amazing young woman, and all the while I held my breath. Just like me, please say just like me….

She didn’t. It wasn’t in my mother’s nature to flatter. She was telling a story that had been  inspired by what I’m sure were my own self-deprecating comments about my hair, but not so that she could assure me I still looked pretty. It was just about the memory of her amazing friend.

***

Decades later I was in a conversation when I realized I was subtly posing the heck out of my new outfit and freshly styled hair, waiting for the other person to comment on how good I looked. Suddenly it hit me–I’m still waiting for somebody else to make me feel that I look nice! I’m always waiting for somebody ELSE to give me worth….

Sure, I will always love being on the receiving end of a compliment, but any feeling of real contentment needs to come from inside–from within me. In that moment I realized that I’m the one who needs to love me, I’m the person who needs to feel good about how I look, who needs to rock the new hairstyle. If I wait for someone else to give me the opinion I want to hear I could be waiting a long time–clearly sometimes decades.

TheBringYourOwnBeverage conversation: Validation means to demonstrate or support the truth or value of: recognize or affirm the validity or worth of (a person or their feelings or opinions); cause a person to feel valued or worthwhile. Where do you get your validation, from others or from yourself? Which do you find lasts the longest?

 

 

 

Welcome!

I’m glad you’re here. I do love company. Wish I could get you a beverage.

Thanks for joining me on this road trip to learning self-acceptance and self-love. If you were like me, you somehow got the (LIE of an) Understanding that it would be selfish to take care of yourself and to love yourself. I thought “I’m to love God, then others, then if there’s any time or energy left over I can care about myself.”

Yes, I believe in a Creator who made me and this crazy complicated universe. I even knew at a young age that He loved me better than my parents did, and far better than I loved me since loving myself wasn’t even in the picture. That would just be selfish! (LIE.)

Pretty much my life goal as a small child was to stay out of the way of the angry parents and far away from conflict. If I would be visible I should only be happy (other moods not being well tolerated in my house) and if possible I should make the grown-ups smile or laugh. My anxiety would be soothed if they appeared happy even momentarily. I hid in books, toys and craft projects. I learned to avoid my feelings at all costs. (I still love to make people laugh.)

We each take up our own unique space on this earth. Can we learn to love and accept ourselves with all our unique flaws and frailties?

That’s my older-hopefully-wiser life goal. To love and accept myself. I’m inching in that direction–better in my 60s than never! Consider this an invitation to join me as I explore the hows and whys of it all. Bring a drink of your choice and I’ll bring mine, and we can each do that *CLINK* thing. 🙂

Skimmer’s recap: There’s a lot still to be learned and a lot of LIES to be unlearned–BYOBeverage.

What are a few lies YOU need to unlearn? Thoughts?