Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

Maybe personal redemption doesn’t look the way I thought it would.

According to Merriam Webster:

Definition of redeem oneself

: to succeed or do something good after one has failed or done something bad.

//They can redeem themselves for yesterday’s loss by winning today’s game.

Somehow I have labored under the idea that I could redeem past painful situations by Getting It Right on my next try.

Troubled childhood? Get your marriage Right!

Troubled marriage? Get your next relationship Right!

And next, and next, and next…

BUT

-what if Getting It Right looks more like simply growing into my best self? My most balanced self, most true-to-myself self?

What if Getting It Right looks like this gradual path, rather than Either/Or in healing from the trauma of those previous years?

What if I am Getting It Right by working day to day to lay those Lies In My Bones to rest?

–the constant threat of Abandonment?

–the Loneliness?

–the haunting Fear?

–the ever-present Anxiety?

What if that’s all Redeeming Myself is…this gradual trajectory of gaining freedom from the Lies I’ve believed? The ones that say there is no safety, no love, no being seen and cherished?

What if personal redemption is simply the act of becoming my best self by learning to listen to that hurt small child inside of me who needed someone but was constantly left on her own, isolated and afraid?

What if it’s not about finding a Mother 2.0 or a Marriage 2.0 but about becoming my own nurturer, my own best friend and companion?

What if it’s not about expecting or hoping for someone outside of me to “fix” my loneliness, or give me love, or make me feel safe, but learning to provide those things for myself, while accepting them as a gift when I do receive them elsewhere?

What if it’s simply about

me, becoming wholly me?

me, being present?

me, walking fully awake into my future, whatever that looks like, and knowing I am able to nurture, to love, to cherish myself?

me, learning to welcome any outside input in those areas as the rich buttercream frosting on top of the already yummy cake that is me?

What if redeeming my past is simply about me welcoming this process of learning who my Creator made me to be–the character and quirks and interests that got sidelined by life and trauma? By the overwhelming efforts of surviving?

Then I am well on my way to seeing those Lies In My Bones fade…those Lies that were etched beginning in the womb and forward.

I am redeeming my past by me, Becoming.

Becoming my best self.